Graduating and "Hey, What's Wrong With You?"

Saturday, July 8, 2017

School starts back up in a couple months (less than that?!) and it will be my last semester of school EVER...unless I decide I want to try and go for a PhD.  Emphasis on "try" (shit's hard, yo).  I have been feeling...odd lately.

I have been a student for 6 years now.  I finished up my GE at a community college (I went to SFSU after high school but dropped out - stay in school kids).  Then I transferred to CSUF to get my BA in Art History with a minor in Anthropology.  I IMMEDIATELY went into my intensive 3 year MFA program and I have been basically going non stop ever since.  I have held down full time jobs, internship, teaching assistant positions...all while doing school work, writing a thesis, and curating two shows for my degree. It's amazing I'm still standing.  But I love every minute of it...and honestly, it's starting to sink in that it's almost over. Truth be told, I don't know who I am without being a student.  Academia has been my life and a huge part of my identity for the past 6 years, and I don't know what to do if I'm not reading, writing, and attending class. I love being a student.

I've also just made a bit move into a new place.  A nice condo in West Hollywood and I honestly feel like a dirt ball whenever I drive down my street.  It's way too nice of a neighborhood...the house half a block away belongs to a big movie producer.  I don't feel like I fit in.

I'm feeling the pressure of my age, and trying to find stability.  Everything I want to do seems really daunting and almost impossible.  And of course, to cope with stress I followed suit and chopped off all my hair (seriously, it's like 2 inches long) and really had to practice restraint not to shave it all.  I have been distracted and distant lately, and it really just boils down to uncertainty.  Being in your early 30's in America right now is a weird thing.  The political climate is turbulent, money and jobs are not what they used to be, and having an advanced degree makes no guarantees.

I feel like I'm not unique in how I feel.  I think a lot of people my age are struggling to find their place in the world and feel like they fit in.  I often times feel like I'm playing a role, or portraying a character. Especially at work.  In reality, I'm loud and outspoken and I feel most comfortable in jeans and a T-Shirt and it feels a little like pretend when I put on a jacket for work everyday.  Sara is in there...just screaming to get out, and I've probably suppressed a lot of her to make things work.

Anyway, that's where I am now.  I hope anyone else who is out there feeling this same thing knows that they aren't alone, and that we will most likely be fine and it'll pass.

I'll be here chugging along, cooking up weird shit and forcing my family to eat it and posting it online. Just like normal.

xo

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